Do managers deserve to be happy?

Of course, the answer to this question is a resounding yes.

So why aren’t they?

Leadership has become harder over the past few years. The demands of rapid change, the integration of tech, and financial uncertainty have left managers struggling to keep up.

As a CEO, you’re used to people reporting to you but when was the last time someone checked in on you? Do you even feel safe being vulnerable with your senior team? As a middle manager, you’re likely squeezed between the decisions made above you and the practical ramifications for the teams you care for.

Is it time to book another course?

Unfortunately, training and leadership coaching don’t always work. If it’s performance-based, it’ll be focused on improving ways to pour from your already empty cup.

So what are we doing for our managers? Are they administrators, decision-makers and productivity drivers or do they deserve to be happy humans too?

What middle managers face.

Let’s dig into this for a moment. Have you found yourself thinking or saying these things recently?

• Because I’m being paid to take the crap, I have to.

• I don’t know why but management feels like an endurance test.

• No one cares about how I feel as a manager.

• I’m an easy and obvious target when things go wrong, even if it’s not my fault.

• I often have to deliver bad news – and bear the emotional strain of doing this.

• I chose this promotion, so I mustn’t complain, right?

I hear you. The truth is, we don’t give managers the love they need. They’re an important cog in the workings of an organisation and yet somehow it’s OK to give them a good kicking.

If you’re a woman working in a toxic culture, it’s a double-kicking.

Leading people isn’t difficult.

It’s true – it’s managing everything else that’s tough. Being something that you’re not to fit into expectations or mirroring everything coming down the line at you because it’s easier to go with the flow than to swim against the tide.

When was the last time that politics, overbearing workloads and unrealistic expectations got in the way of you doing your job properly? Or a non-negotiable decision to reduce headcount made way up the line has left you with not enough people to deliver on time?

Negative feelings creep into the team. Aggression, despondency and apathy are natural fallout but as a manager, you’re required to put a brave face on and grin and bear it. While you try to stop the team from leaking valuable talent, you feel voiceless and powerless.

You hold on until the next promotion thinking things will get better but they get worse. The stress and pressure become unbearable.

4 things at the top of your survival to-do list

Not everyone is in a position to (or a desire to) jump ship. So if you feel like you’re spending too much time firefighting rather than the job you came here to do, these top tips are for you.

• Learn the rules of the game. You may not like them and they may not sit well with you but get clear on what’s going on around you. Not every battle is worth fighting so if there’s no point in arguing, don’t waste your time and energy. Instead, use your energy to build yourself back up so you’re on an even keel.

• Trust your gut. It’s tempting to guess that it’s not as bad as you think it is, as we’re prone to consider the best of a situation. But if your senses are telling you that something is off, it probably is.

• Choose what you engage with. Trauma bonding within a working relationship is a thing. It’s possible to be addicted to the drama and corporate hustle around you, even if it’s not healthy or moving you forward in your career. If backbiting or gossip delivers an emotional kick, think who is it hurting and who is it helping? Is there a better way of doing things? What’s it doing to your long-term wellbeing and that of those around you? Is it possible to wean yourself off - without judgment (and this last bit is really important)?

• Keep your cards close to your chest. Whether you’ve had enough and you’re planning to go or you’re working on reordering your corner of the camp, be careful who you share the details with. This isn’t about being suspicious or underhanded, it’s about protecting your interests if the culture around you refuses to.

Become responsible for your own happiness and satisfaction at work. We’re not talking about victim-blaming here because if you’re working in a toxic culture, it’s true that the choices of someone somewhere else made it the way it is. 

What you can do is walk away – or if that’s not an option at the moment, you can agree with yourself how much energy you’re prepared to give it.

How to not end up in the same position again?

First, upgrade your expectations and what you find acceptable. Einstein famously said ‘We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them’. So shift your energy. It’s easy to take a hasty leap and then find yourself back in the same atmosphere only in a different company, department or role.

Watch your motivation Often we skip out of a painful situation because we’re desperate for relief and comfort. This is called an away motivation and although it’s effective, it’s only a short-term solution. When the pain is gone, we’re free to get ourselves back in the same mess again. Although we’ve managed to shake whatever we’ve run away from, we’re still no further forward.

A towards motivation, on the other hand, is forever. It takes more work because it involves asking the million-dollar question What do I want? This takes an honest and raw introspection into what lights us up and what we want the future to look like. It may be a long time since someone has asked us this – and we may even feel like we don’t have much of a say anyway.

There is no time like the present to start the process. Here’s how we do it.

Put your good goggles on.

Get a little help to reframe your situation. It may help you to see your present situation as:

• A stepping stone to something better. The skills and experience you’ve developed in your current role (not to mention the capacity for resilience and coping under pressure) are valuable assets for your next, better-aligned position.

• A care while I’m there gig. Learn to compartmentalise your life so that you don’t bring the drama and pressure home with you – especially if leaving isn’t an option right now.

• A strategic step. You may need to stay where you are for a year, for example, while you get things together. If you’re a strategic leader, now’s the time to put your skills to good use for one very special project – your life.

Gone are the days when someone stayed in a firm or a career for forty years – loyalty like that isn’t rewarded anymore. So when you reconceptualise your current role as one piece of a bigger puzzle, you start to see the wider picture. This is just a phase, one chapter of your career.

This is when you can take back control by widening your view. What rules do you want to rewrite? What boundaries do you want to put in place? What priorities do you want to set? What are you prepared to compromise on and what’s off-limits?

Managers do deserve to be happy.

The reason they’re not is unacceptable. It’s not a workplace hazard and it’s not just part of the job.

I hope I’ve given you a few things to think about and a few tools to take back control of your career and life.

You don’t have to go it alone.

One of the biggest players in leader unhappiness is isolation: a lack of peers to check in with, bounce ideas off and garner a little inspiration from. If a culture of sharing has been squashed by competition and survival, it’s impossible to nurture a safe atmosphere for personal growth.

This is when a coach can be invaluable. To reveal your potential and lift you out of the weeds, they’re an external and trained pair of eyes able to look in from the outside.

I’d love to join you on this journey. Please drop me a message and we can get started.

We all deserve to be happy. Let’s make it happen.